Because when you’re reading the news, nothing makes it go down better than soft, fluffy kittens.
Mittens still has a bunch of delegates, so yaysville for him, but Santorum swept the Alabama and Mississippi primaries because he’s supposedly the true conservative. (What does that even mean?) Everyone wants Newt to drop out because he’s splitting the ticket so it’s hard for Santorum to catch up to Romney in delegates.
There is this sports thing going on called March Madness, which is the only time I pay attention to sports because I gave some dude I don’t know in my office $5 to blindly choose teams to win.
Public resignations are fascinating things because they are rare opportunities for people to say what they really think. Greg Smith’s giant “fuck you” to Goldman Sacks is no slouch. If only all of us could quit with such flair. Everyone should get one free-of-consequences “Fuck you, and you, and you, you’re cool, fuck you” in their life.
Imperfect justice, maybe? The International Criminal Court convicted Congo warlord Thomas Lubunga of using child soldiers. But here’s the thing, the court cannot arrest anyone. A convinction is more of a symbolic gesture. As our very own Mary Anne Limoncelli pointed out, there are ways to seek justice and find reconciliation that are best done from within the countries.
Encyclopedia Britannica (or if you’re Ted Mosby, Encyclopædia) will no longer be printing their iconic books.
Democrats are raring to fight as Republicans display opposition to the Violence Against Women Act, which has been hanging around the 
halls of Congress since about 1994. Here’s a sample of what the law supports – let’s play “Guess what Republicans don’t like!” The legislation would expand grant programs to reach Indian tribes and rural areas, extend the definition of violence against women to include stalking, and would allow more battered illegal immigrants to claim temporary visas and would include same-sex couples in the programs for domestic violence. Oh gee, this is a tough one. Oh well, I’ll take a guess: Republicans don’t like the immigration part and the same-sex couples bit, right? Right! Big surprise there!
New guidelines suggest less frequent Pap smears. The task force insists that cost is not factor and that their recommendation is about balancing effective cancer screening with the harm of false positives. The new guidelines recommend screening every three years (older recommendations recommended “at least every three years,” which left the door open for yearly tests).
Afghanistan is a clusterfuck! The Taliban suspended talks with the U.S. amid the turmoil. In case you forgot, a U.S. soldier allegedy killed 16 civilians and Qurans were burnt on an Ameircan military base. Le sigh.